


Irreplaceable

by natsora



Series: Andromeda's Skye [2]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Angst, Concussions, Depression, F/M, Headaches & Migraines, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Injury Recovery, Medical, Medical Inaccuracies, Medical Procedures, Medical Trauma, More Hurt Than Comfort, Post-Concussion Syndrome, Scar, Serious Injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-22 02:42:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16589288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natsora/pseuds/natsora
Summary: Three months after the events of Falling, Intentionally, the alliance between the angaras and the Nexus has been firmed up upon the back of Evfra and the Pathfinder. Through the months of working closely together they have found an understanding and built a relationship. On the eve of the departure of the Tempest for more kett hunting, the Pathfinder leads the joint Resistance and APEX teams for an exercise. Things goes horribly wrong and the fate of the alliance hangs in the balance as the Pathfinder fights her way back to normalcy.





	1. Big Boy and Special Girl

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lylypuceonarchive](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lylypuceonarchive/gifts).



> This fic started out as a small gift fic for [@lylypuceonarchive](https://lylypuceonarchive.tumblr.com/) but it has morphed and taken a life of its own. And it is now a chaptered fic monster. The plan is to post a chapter every day but I can't guarantee that will be the case given that I am taking part in NaNoWriMo so my writing has got to come before my editing of the fic. Rest assured it is all written just needs editing. 
> 
> Thank you to Lylypuce for all the support she has given me. This is just a small thank you present for you.

Evfra hummed as he watched the human pull on her underwear. She was completely aware she had an audience. Slow almost languidly, she ran her finger under the fabric, adjusting it. Her muscled thighs tensed and relaxed as she pulled on her pair of white Initiative pants, covering all that tanned skin that he enjoyed so much. 

She turned and faced him, her pert, round breasts on display. Her steel olive eyes met his. A smile tugged at her lips. “Like what you see?” she asked. 

“Yes,” he purred, pushing himself up to rest on one elbow. 

She snorted, pulling on her bra. “Well, show’s over big boy.”

“You should take the day off,” he suggested. 

“Me? What about you? Evfra de Teeshav, Resistance leader, all round busy man,” she pointed out. 

“The Resistance can take care of itself for one day.”

She smiled, her nose crinkling, her freckles scrunching up. A hand pressed against her chest as she inhaled sharply. “Who is this imposter? Where is the real Evfra?” she exclaimed in mock shock. “He is tall, grumpy and frowning all the damn time. He loves working and putting down anyone not good enough.”

He spluttered, torn between protesting and laughing. “I put them down because they don’t do their job properly.” he insisted, settling on frowning. 

Evfra stood, the blanket slipping to the floor as he towered over the human. His eyes took in the taut muscles packed into a lean frame, straight lines mingling with soft curves. They tracked upwards past her toned calf, powerful thighs, flat stomach and powerful shoulders. She rolled her eyes and ran her hand through her short blonde hair. Her fingers pushed her fringe up but without her special tub of hair product, it flopped limply back down over her face. She blew at it, her hair danced away, but it fell back down again. 

Evfra put his hand on her shoulders. His bio-electricity tingling as he picked up her natural biotics that ran under her skin. His grip tightened as one hand brushed against the scar above her left breast. It was a layer of circular raised skin, as large as his palm. He sighed as he rubbed his palm gently over it. It was still red and angry, not three months old. 

“It’s fine, you know,” she said. 

Evfra grunted as he bent over to press a kiss over it. “It’s not.” 

She reached up on slapped him against his chest. “Enough, damn you man. Get over it.”

* * *

It was three months since Skye Ryder, the human Pathfinder pulled his ass out of the proverbial fire. Almost bleeding to death as a result of the rescuing. Evfra didn’t think the alliance between the Nexus and the angaras would have survive the death of their Pathfinder. 

After that, they worked closely, trying to strengthen the alliance. Days and nights spent haggling over terms, bashing their heads together over logistics and fighting through red tape had brought about a strengthened Resistance. And according to Ryder, a more open outlook on the alliance by the Nexus. 

What started as curiosity, turned into interest and then later physical attraction. Ryder was more than happy to satisfy his curiosity as he was with hers. A romp in the bedroom, turned into a habit. One day of shore leave extended to a week of joint exercises. Evfra never felt more relaxed. 

* * *

“So is that why you never put me down anymore?” Ryder asked, an eyebrow arched in his direction. “I am the only competent one around here?”

Evfra snorted. “Far from it, I merely tolerate your incompetence.”

“Really?” Her shoulders stiffening, as she pulled her shirt on, covering the scar. “If that’s the case, I should take my skills to where it will be appreciated. Jaal maybe?”

His reactionary growl was instant. She laughed. Rough, open and loud. Evfra looked at her, admiring her lack of artifice. She always spoke her mind. She might omit certain details to further her goals, but she was never anything less than honest in her dealings, even if it would make things easier if she had lied. 

And today marked the last day of the joint exercise that was the backbone of their plan. Angaras joining the Nexus’ APEX teams and Nexus’ species joining the Resistance, one team from each group working together to take out kett outposts. 

His chest clenched at the thought. 

Everything could be handed over to administrators both on the Nexus and Aya after that. Their job was done, at least their work on the alliance. The threat of the Archon still loomed and the Pathfinder was needed elsewhere. The roekaar and kett were constantly testing their boundaries, and the Resistance needed his attention. 

Curiosity was sated, their arrangement of convenience had come to an end. 

_But must it end?_

If anyone were to ask, Evfra would deny with his dying breath, what they had between them was sex, pure and simple. 

_But was it?_

The weight lay heavy on his chest. He didn’t know. 

“You’re seriously taking the day off?” Ryder asked, tightening the clasps on her boots. Her face glistening a little from the water she splashed on her face, her hair standing up in a rough semblance of how she usually had it. They both knew it would flop back down at the slightest gust of wind. 

“No. If you’re not here keeping me entertained, I might as well be at HQ.”

Evfra took less time to freshen up and pulling on his clothes. Ryder had her arms folded across her chest, her weight shifted from one leg to another as she ran through the messages on her omni-tool. As he clipped his turquoise rofjinn to his leather armour, Ryder looked up from her work. 

“Breakfast?” he asked as he started making his bed. His fingers tugged at the sheets to make sure it was crease free and tight. 

She sighed indulgently as she watched. “I need to brief the teams, closing speech and all that. Then we’ll be out for our final exercise. Maybe dinner?”

“I have a lot of work to catch up with. Your visits tend to be rather disruptive.”

“And whose fault is it?” Ryder levelled a finger at him as she led the way out. 

Evfra’s long strides caught up with Ryder easily in the elevator. He stabbed for the ground level and before the doors slid close, he pinned her against the wall. Her breasts sliding up and down with each rise and fall of her chest. “Mine, all mine,” he growled into her ear. 

She chuckled. His chest tightened again. He pushed off the wall as the elevator’s door open. “Sansesyol, is it?” he asked,

She nodded. “Some ra-ra speeching here, then a hop, skip and jump over for some exercises. Then back in time for dinner,” she said, glancing at him. “if you’re not bogged down by meetings.”

Evfra frowned, checking the angara version of an omni-tool. “What about after?” he asked suggestively. 

“Fuck, Evfra. Give a girl a break,” Ryder laughed. “I can’t, we’re heading back to the Kadara. Some intel about the Archon’s ship.”

He nodded, he understood. Duty before pleasure. That was how it worked between them. After all, this was temporary. His chest tightened uncomfortably, he rubbed a hand over the spot. 

She cocked her head. “Something wrong?”

He shook his head. As they stepped out into the markets, he made sure he was at least half a metre away from her. Their little liaison was not really a secret but in public, he preferred to maintain a certain level of professionalism.

“All right, I’m heading off. See you for dinner,” she said with a little wave. 

“Maybe,” he replied noncommittally. 

The tightness twitched. “Come back safe,” he blurted. 

Ryder turned back and stared at him. Evfra swallowed, confusion, irritation and frustration creasing his brow. _What did the words come from?_

“Sentiment, Evfra?” she laughed. “You really are an imposter. Where is the real deal?”

He squared his shoulders. “There is nothing wrong with wishing a fellow warrior to stay safe,” he explained gruffly. “This is the real deal, as you say. Only you get to see it.”

She nodded, the smile curling her lips. “Well then, I am a special girl.” 

Her hair flopped over her forehead, she growled and pushed them up again. As she turned to go again, he repeated, “Come back safe, my special girl.”

Her steps faltered. Her strange grey-green eyes meeting his. He didn’t know what she saw there. The laughter faded away as her gaze turned serious. She nodded. “I will, big boy.”

With that, Skye Ryder swept out of his day like the breath of fresh air she was. 

* * *

_Special girl, my special girl._

Evfra had been turning his own words around and around in his head. He was as surprised as Ryder was. His admission, his almost confession. 

_Is that really it? Sentiment. Or something more?_

He realised the idea warmed his chest, it was a comforting thought because it was true. Ryder was his special girl. 

_But how special?_

“Evfra?”

He looked up, realising he got distracted thinking about Ryder. _The things you do to me, woman._

Evfra cleared his throat and said, “Thank you, where were we?” 

Pushing all thought of his special girl or whatever she was, he directed his attention to the business at hand. It was another two more hours of endurence before it drew to a close. 

“I’ll see what I can do regarding an increased Resistance presence on Voeld, Do Xeel.”

He turned to Aavrer, the Havarl Commander. “Reach out to Kandros on the Nexus, I believe he would be able to help. His APEX teams will be best suited to deal with the outlaws there. Also, tightening security and vetting, this shouldn’t be happening. Harvarl is our home world.”

Both commanders nodded. “Understood,” they spoke in unison. 

Evfra glanced at the Moshae. She shook her head. “All right, you have your orders,” he said turning back to the commanders. “Evfra out.”

The communication array powered down with a soft whine. His only concession to weariness was a soft grunt as he straightened. His stomach growled unhappily, reminding him that he had skipped breakfast and had only a light lunch earlier. _Maybe I can grab dinner with Ryder after all._

The Moshae smiled at him. “I never thank you enough for your service.”

He huffed softly. “It’s my duty.”

Jerking his neck side to side popped the bones satisfactorily. Hours staring at his terminal and the vast number of datapads was taking a toll on his neck and shoulders. Idly, he wondered if the Tempest had returned from their little jaunt to Sansesyol. 

“Is that all you think about?” she asked. 

He sighed. “What else is there to think about? The fate of our people hangs in the balance.”

The Moshae shook her head and looked at him like he was a wayward child. “Child, don’t lie. I’ve seen you with her.”

Evfra frowned. “Moshae, I’m not young enough to be your child,” he replied gruffly. 

Her benign smile seemed to take on a sinister quality. “Evfra, you humour an old woman. My age aside, I’ve seen you with the Pathfinder. She is a nice girl isn’t she?”

“Nice?” he blinked owlishly at her. _Ancestors, this is what the others have talked about. The Moshae meddles._

“Yes, nice. Good strong bones and body. A leader among her people. Has the weight of her people on her shoulders, just like you.”

 _Ancestors, save me from the interfering old woman._ He stood abruptly. “I have a dinner appointment. Please excuse me.”

“One with the Pathfinder I hope. I hear she has a beautiful name, Skye. It’s supposed to mean adventurous and free spirited, I hear.”

Evfra gave her a tight smile and escaped. _That she is, that she is._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And also, the fluff ends here. The rest is as warned in the tags. And also for some reason I keep typing Skype instead of Skye all over the place. Ugh


	2. Ten Steps to Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your comments and kudos. I am really happy people are enjoying this story. Angst in coming.

He paced. 

Ten steps. From one end to the other. Ten steps if he controlled his strides. Ten steps, that was the width of the window he had his back to everyday. Ten steps, so quick and short. It was the distance he permitted himself.  


_She is late. They are late._

Annoyance had given way to worry. The Tempest wasn’t back. His hunger gone, his work forgotten, his chest hurt while his guts twisted. 

_Where are they? Where is she?_

His eyes flashed towards the communication officer. “Any word?”

“No, sir.”

Evfra balled his fists and paced. He fought the urge to put a call directly to Ryder herself. He fought the urge to run out to the docks. He fought the urge to believe his gut that something was wrong. 

_Ryder is smart. She is tough. I trust her._

His boots clomped. Ten steps up, ten steps down. “Evfra!” 

He jerked his head around. It was Sohkaa Esof, one of his agents positioned at the docks to keep an eye on visiting aliens. 

“The Tempest, it is docking now.”

Evfra heaved a sigh of relief. They were back. She was back. He had to see it for himself. Brushing past Esof he walked as quickly as he could without running towards the docks. 

He arrived just in time to see her zoom by. His eyes widen as he stood and stared. 

_I told you to stay safe._

He spotted Jaal limping off the Tempest. “What happened?” he demanded. 

* * *

The image refused to leave the back of his eyelids. 

She was still, so still. Face bloodlessly white while her blonde hair plastered against her head with blood. Her armour broken in parts, shattered in others. Her undersuit sliced open, bare skin exposed to the air as the asari doctor was straddling her still body with her hands pushing against her chest. 

Over and over and over.

“What happened?” he asked. 

Jaal’s jaw tightened as he looked away. _Ancestors, what the hell happened on Sansesyol?_

Duty demanded he seek answers. Duty demanded figure out what went, duty demanded he fix things. But Ryder wasn’t something he could fix. 

It was ten hours later, well into the next day, when he managed to pull himself away. His normally purposeful stride was reduced to a fast shuffle. He needed to sleep, he needed to eat but most of all he needed to know. 

The hospital was bustling more so than usual. Most of the APEX and Resistance fighters were wounded in some way but most of them were treated and discharged to recover in the barracks. He stopped at the counter, trying to seek the location of the Pathfinder and her crew. Before he could ask, someone called out. “Evfra!”

It was Cora Harper, Ryder’s second. She limped over, the gash on her forehead slathered with medi-gel and missing a bandage. “Follow me.”

Evfra complied. He bit the inside of his cheek to keep from interrogating her on the spot. Even though she was limping, she walked fast. Evfra had to lengthen his stride to keep up. They took the elevator. As soon as the doors closed, Harper leaned against the wall and winced. 

“We were hit by an architect. It tossed one Nomad against another. Ryder and the others had to distract it as we helped get the rest to safety. And that was _after_ we took out a couple of kett outposts and running low on ammo and juice.”

Juice, that was what Ryder called her well of biotics. Powered by a range of sugary sweet drinks and carbohydrate filled energy bars, it was the strange and mesmerising power that saved his life three months ago. And she was running low on that. _Shit._

“Fuck,” Harper sighed as she ran a hand over her face. “Ryder was the last one out. She was out on ammo, using only her biotics. One of the Architect’s arms or legs, whatever the fuck it is. It nailed her good. Lexi couldn’t fix her back on the Tempest, the best she could do was to keep Ryder breathing.”

“Ancestors.” Evfra exhaled sharply, his weight pressed against the wall. 

His leather armour was suddenly too tight and the space too suffocating. His chest slammed against his ribs as though he was in danger and he needed to get behind cover. 

“Is she…”

“She is out of surgery just a couple of minutes ago. I was going to give you and the Moshae the news when I saw you.”

Evfra nodded mutely. The doors opened and he straightened. He was the Leader of the Resistance. His heart wasn’t clenching in odd ways. He wasn’t thinking about the last time he saw her. He wasn’t remembering the way she smiled at him. He wasn’t remembering the last time he saw her at death’s door or her joke of dying then.

He was the stone cold Evfra de Tershaav. 

The hallway was hush. The rest of the crew were hanging around outside one of the rooms. Some of them sported bandages or medi-cast on their limbs. Jaal had his arm in a sling. His rofjinn pulled in an awkward manner with his chest bandaged. But more importantly, the usually bright blue fabric was also stained with red blood. 

_Hers?_

He pushed the thought of his mind. She was fine, out of surgery and fine. 

_Fine._ His gut roiled uncomfortably.

The others parted to allow him to enter. The door slid close behind him. Inside was the sterile scent of antiseptic and disinfectant. The monitors beeped, the machines hissed. His eyes took in the person lying on the bed. Tubes and wires were the only things confirming that she yet lived. 

_Alive and fine._ His chest clenched tighter at the lie.

The asari doctor cleared her throat. His eyes flicked over to her. “How is she?” he asked, his tone hush, almost reverent. 

She sighed wearily as she lifted her omni-tool. “Brain swelling, which we had to operate to relieve the pressure through surgery earlier. Broken ribs, shattered left radius and a severe concussion.”

She lifted her head. “That’s just what I can glean for now. We’re keeping her in a medically induced coma while the swelling go down. Once the swelling goes down, we’ll bring her back and assess her cognitive functions and potential brain damage.”

Evfra could only nod. His eyes tracing the tube that disappeared between her lips down her throat. It was breathing for her. Her face scratched and swollen. She no longer looked like herself. 

“How long?” he asked, his hands tightened on the frame of her bed. 

“I don’t know, I really don’t know.”

* * *

Murmuring tickled the edges of her awareness. It tugged like a dog refusing to relinquish its prize. Shadows pressed on all sides like, undulating like mirages on Elaaden. They coaxed like sirens of myth, gentle and seductively. 

_Rest, I deserve some rest right?_

The voices were myriad. They echoed, coming closer and drifting away. Sometimes it was one, sometimes it was more. But the shadows always won. 

_I’m so tired. Whatever it is, it can wait. Right, Dad?_

She felt like she was floating. Water lapping against her bare skin. It was peaceful, dark and warm. The tiny waves tickled her ears, they were fingers lacing through her hair. Comforting and safe, she let go and sank into the depths. 

_Just five minutes more, please, Dad._

Her skin buzzed strangely at times. It usually concentrated on her hands. The sensation urgent and erratic. They jolted and jarred. Tethers that kept her from drifting away. Rope that dragged her up from the depths. Always saying “Stay with me. Stay with me.”

_Snooze the alarm, please._

The transition was violent. There wasn’t a slow receding of shadows. There was only insistent and constant beeping that assaulted her ears. Her body screaming at her, “Something is wrong. Danger, danger, danger!”

Her eyes were closed one second and opened the next. Her vision blurry as shadows hovered over her. Two blue figures, the smaller one nudging the larger one away. 

“Can you hear me, Ryder?” The voice was vague and far away. 

Still her brain wouldn’t stop insisting, “Danger, danger, danger!”

She blinked harder, struggled valiantly against the anchors that weighed her limbs down. Her mouth opened and closed, fighting to speak but she managed nothing more than laboured breathing. She was choking, she must be dying. 

_Is this finally it, Dad?_

“Calm down, Ryder. You’re intubated, just try and relax.”

Could she trust the voice? The voice was causing her pain. Everything was confusing and scary. And that meant one thing, fight. She tugged at her core, the familiar dark energy wasn’t there. It wasn’t buzzing under her skin like always. It was just gone. 

Panic flared anew as her eyes darted about, seeing but unseeing. Tears clouding her vision. Pain streaking up and down her body. The beeping screeched louder and louder. Her brain shrieking, “Danger, danger, danger.”

The larger blue figure pushing the smaller one aside. A warm hand cupped her face, tilting to face the figure. Her eyes blinked harder and harder, her body trembled. _Who? Who?_ A buzzing ran from the hand to her face. It was gentle, it was comforting, it was familiar. A finger brushed the tears streaming from her eyes away. 

It was like the clouds parting for the sun. Her vision cleared and she saw him. 

Evfra. 

* * *

“Follow my finger,” Lexi said. 

Ryder sighed and complied. “One week! Lexi, I lost one week!” she exclaimed, her left arm twitching. It would have been used to stab the air if it didn’t hurt and encased in a medi-cast.

“Yes, Ryder. One week and count yourself lucky that it was only one week.”

She bit her lip for a moment. Looking at the eye bags that hung under the asari’s eyes. It lasted for all of two seconds. “Still, there is so much work to do now. I could have beaten this shit in two days.”

Lexi ignored her and held her omni-tool up. Her fingers tapping against it, noting down whatever findings she gleaned from the test. “We almost lose you,” she said, her voice quivering a little. “One week going from what we dragged off Sansesyol to being awake, cognitively all there, not a vegetable, not comatose, not brain dead.”

Lexi took a deep breath, getting her voice back under control. “Yes, one week is a Goddess blessed miracle.”

Guilt pressed against her chest. She clamped her mouth shut. That lasted five seconds. “But… I did nothing wrong. It was a freak accident.”

The scanner bathed her in orange light, up and down it went, taking multiple passes of her body. She had graduated from having her medical gown placed over her naked body to actually wearing it loosely. She was working on being able to get to the toilet and actually pee into a bowl. For now, she had to tolerate the tube up her urethra. 

The machine beeped indicating it had completed its job. Instead of checking the readout, Lexi turned to look at her. Ryder held Lexi’s gaze for as long as she could but eventually the gut wrenching fear of what might could have been she saw there made her look away.

“I didn’t say you did anything wrong but…,” Lexi’s grip on the frame of her bed tightened. The metal shook a little. “You just have to be more careful. We only have one of you. You’re ireplaceable.”

Ryder took a deep breath. All her other protests died in her throat. She nodded. The rest of the examination was conducted in silence. Other than Lexi’s occasional tapping, it was the machines humming and her breathing. 

She had been trapped on bed for one week unconscious. That wasn’t so bad, well other than the mounting work would be waiting for her, since she was unconscious for all of it. It was the week after that that was hell. Being weaned off the endotracheal tube took some doing, then it was test after test, to make sure her cognitive functions were intact. SAM being disconnected to allow her brain to completely rest during the coma. The silence in her head was strange and unfamiliar now. She missed her buddy. But that required a trip to the Hyperion for a full diagnostic check before Lexi would allow her to reconnect to SAM again.

But all in all, it was fine. _She_ was fine, well other than the sore ribs and a broken dominant arm. But nobody took her word for it. It was just as well, since she was’t a doctor. 

“Tell me what is the last thing you remember?”

Ryder sighed. “Waking up this morning.”

Lexi gave her the patent-pending look™. 

“Right, sorry. No jokes,” she groused. 

Squeezing her eyes shut, she sorted and sifted through her memories. It was like trying to hold water with her bare hands. The more she tried, the more harder the task was. Her head was already throbbing most of the time. Concussion, that was what Lexi told her. 

_Well, the con-fucking-cussion can suck a dick._

She frowned, eyes still closed. “I had a meeting with one of Kandros’ APEX captains, I think. I met up with Evfra?”

“You meet with the captains and Evfra almost everyday,” Lexi pointed out, she pinched the bridge of her nose. “Let me put it this way, what’s the last thing you remember before waking up here?”

Ryder blinked. “Last thing huh…”

She remembered the endless meetings she had with the Resistance members verifying the plans they had made earlier. She remembered running the plans through with their APEX counterparts. She remembered speaking to the Moshae. She bit her lip unable to control the flush rising up her checks. 

“You remembered something.” It was a statement, not a question. 

Ryder nodded. “Err… It’s a conversation I had with the Moshae,” she said, averting her eyes. “Rather, the Moshae had with me.”

“Is that the last thing you remembered?”

She cocked her head. “No, I don’t think so. I remember something about a special dinner with someone. Was it with the captains? Maybe a celebration?”

“And that’s the last thing?”

“This was the morning of? The night before the joint exercise?”

“I… I’m not sure,” she pressed her hand against her temple, trying to hold her head together by sheer force. 

“That’s enough. It’s fine. I think this is as far as your memory goes.”

“Will I remember?” Ryder asked, frustration forming a crease across her brow.

Lexi glanced at her omni-tool and was busy with the machines. She didn’t answer. Ryder grunted as she tried to lever herself upright. Lexi pressed her back onto the bed. A single tap on the bed controls and it shifted into her into a sitting position. 

“I am not an invalid,” she pointed out. 

“You’re just close to one.”

Her jaw tightened. Lexi patted her arm and handed her the controls to her bed. She gathered up her datapads. “Rest, that’s what you need to do. I’ll be back tomorrow.”

As she had one foot across the threshold, Ryder called out. “Lexi.”

The doctor stiffened and turned to meet her eyes. 

“Will I remember?”

“Unlikely.”

The silence that was left in the wake of Lexi’s departure was deafening. Ryder hummed to fill it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is [a screenshot of Skye](https://natsora.tumblr.com/post/179997477864/irreplaceable-natsora-mass-effect-all-media) if you’re curious.


	3. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst, angst, angst! Nothing but angst! I appreciate all the kudos and comments.

A bored Pathfinder was probably the worst thing that ever happened to Aya. With most of the Tempest crew recalled back to the Nexus, Jaal was the only one left behind with her. He was able to seek better treatment from Aya’s doctors. The rest had to give a report of what happened in person and deliver the injured APEX members back home, Ryder was stranded. If she was stranded on Aya itself, it wasn’t that much of a problem. But she was confined, imprisoned to a single room, to a single piece of furniture in said room. To say her temper was fraying was putting it mildly. 

Determined to relieve it any way she could , a bored Pathfinder planned, she plotted. 

**Step one: Pilfer a datapad.**

She refused to sit and literally stare at the ceiling all day. Without an omni-tool and without SAM to chat with, she couldn’t keep herself entertained. Even Jaal’s daily visits weren't helping. Lexi’s daily visits were tumultuous at best. Daily cognitive and memory tests were a kind of torture on their own. And Lexi remained evasive with her questions. 

Ryder remembered only bits and pieces of that day. Nothing stood out as special but that fragmented memory of a special dinner was different. It felt important, it felt urgent. She just knew there was something she had to do, something she had to say. 

_But what?_

Without answers from Lexi, that just meant she needed to seek answers on her own. And the extranet held all knowledge, didn’t it? 

**Step Two: Search for information.**

Her fingers were quick across the datapad but she had to be careful. Lexi would no doubt confiscate the datapad as soon as she got word from any of her angara nurses.

“You should be rest. Work or anything of usage of these devices are going to only worsen the headaches you’re already experiencing,” Lexi had admonished. “There is a reason why I had you recovering here instead on the Nexus.”

Ryder merely grunt an acknowledgement as Jaal sat next to her. 

_All I want is some fucking straight answers._

Her protests were brushed aside as if they were whining of a child and not legitimate concerns of a Pathfinder. The only fucking Pathfinder. Still, Lexi wasn’t wrong about the headaches. It intensified after a bout of using the datapad. Still, Ryder endured. 

**Step Three: Double check her findings.**

Ryder pressed a finger against her temple. The screen was the only thing glowing in the darkness of her room. It was late but she couldn’t sleep. She was stuck in a vicious cycle of headaches keeping her up, bored out of her mind she started reading on the datapad and getting worse headaches as a result that made her sleep worse.

_I have to know. What did I forget? Special dinner? Special something? Some special fucking-_

Throbbing pain scattered her thoughts as time crawled by. It was a snail in no hurry to get anywhere, always in danger of being crushed under foot. Her eyes darted across the page, her finger never letting up the pressure.

Concussions: it is not uncommon for memory loss to occur. The patient is likely to lose the memory of the traumatic event due to the damage caused to the brain. The memory loss may be retrograde. This means the memories that were formed shortly before the injury maybe lost as well. In this case, the retrograde memory loss suffers may partially regain memory later. 

_May… That's not certain at all. I can’t possibly never regain my memory right? I must know._

She tasted blood on her tongue. Dapping a finger to her lip and realised she had bitten herself. Tears pricked her eyes as she quietly pushed the datapad under her pillow. 

* * *

The aftermath was a mess. There were debriefings to conduct, logistics to take care off and plenty of finger pointing and blame slinging. 

Without Ryder to handle the Nexus Leadership, he was at his wits’ end. His temper was already paper thin at the best of times, impatient with these paper pushing, credit seeking whores, he could barely keep the threat of annulling the alliance from launching out of his mouth. But it was something Ryder had fought for, worked for and bled for. To throw it away like it was junk fit for the recycler the moment she wasn’t around to shepherd the situation was disrespectful. 

“It is clearly the Resistance scouts’ incompetence had led to this situation. This was supposed to be something easy to ease both groups into integration,” he insisted. “This turned out to be an ambush. And our Pathfinder was in a coma because of this.”

“Tann, that’s unfair,” Kandros spoke up, his dual-flanged voice thrumming. “These are APEX soldiers. They are the best of the best.”

“Maybe they are not as good as you thought,” Evfra shot back. 

“Are you saying that even our Pathfinder isn’t good enough? Since she was the most hurt?” Tann pointed out. “Regardless, the Nexus demands repatriation for the damages caused to our vehicles, our weapons.”

_That is his concern? The replaceable resources? What about his people, Ryder?_

For people who didn’t know him well, they’d assure Evfra’s fury burn hot. But it was only dangerous when he got quiet and tight. His gaze turned ice cold. As he listened to Tann droned on and on about what he wanted. 

“Credits, local angara mineral, mining rights, colony rights,” Tann listed them out on his fingers. He didn’t have enough of them to go around. 

Tann’s nasally voice was a firran taken to his ears. It was slicing into his brain like a paper cut at a time. He ground his teeth together and tried his best to hold his tongue. 

Kandros and Addison stiffen, though it was hard to tell via the vid-comm, as Evfra stood. “You,” he stabbed with his finger at the holographic representation of Tann, wishing he could wrap his hands around the salarian in person, “are a sorry excuse of a person. You care about the replaceable. You forsake the precious. Your Pathfinder almost died, it is unclear if she will pull through and make a full recovery. And you are concerned about credits? Mining rights?”

Evfra’s lips curled as he glared at them. He pierced each of them in turns with his gaze. Addison squared her shoulder and stared back, while Kandros’ mandibles sagged loosely by his face but held his gaze, shame and frustration burnt in them. Tann, the only one who was all hot air, failed to meet his eyes. His large black eyes darted around, looking everywhere but at Evfra’s. 

“Tann, you are the worse kind of person. Greed and envy ruled your thoughts. You demand and never give. You do not deserve the service of your people, not the APEX teams, not the others on the Leadership, not your Pathfinder.”

Somewhere through his speech, Tann seemed to find his spine. His eyes jerked to Evfra’s. “Ryder is the human Pathfinder, not _my_ Pathfinder.”

Rage exploded behind Evfra’s eyes. Maybe his holographic self on the other end was clear enough to show how he balanced precariously on the razor’s edge. Suddenly the alliance didn’t seemed worth this aggravation. The others leapt to their feet and started shouting at Tann. He didn’t hear what they said, he couldn’t. His pulse throbbed loud in his ears. 

“This meeting is concluded. I refused to speak to you. Kandros, Addison, we will reconvene at another time. This has been extremely enlightening,” he said, his voice tightly controlled. 

Without waiting for a reply, Evfra terminated the vid-comm. He seethed, anger boiling his head till conscious thought was impossible. His fists clenched, shaking as he fought to rein in his temper. 

_I refuse to let this alliance come to naught. Ryder and I didn’t work so hard for nothing. Ancestors take Tann!_

He knew there was only one way to shut Tann down. It was irrefutable evidence. Evfra cleared his desk of clutter and sat down. Pulling up the body-cam footage of every single person on the joint exercise, he started watching. Most of the footages were confined to the world shaking events as one Nomad was tossed against another. Those he got through quickly. It served to confirm the events given by the eye-witness accounts. Coupled with the data taken from the Nomad’s navigation logs, he could piece together an accurate picture of what happened.

_Good, Tann can’t accuse us of deliberately leading everyone into a trap._

But he faltered when he got to the Tempest crew’s body-cam footage. He sat and watched Ryder being plummeted by the Architect again and again and again. Once for every member of the ground squad by the end, his guts churned. 

Evfra had been a soldier for years. He had seen what a bullet could do to a body. He had seen how much damage a Remnant laser could do to flesh. But this made him sick.

Eventually he had only one more body-cam footage to watch, Ryder’s. He had his hand over his mouth, pressing against it as he saw what Ryder saw. 

“Go! Go!” she shouted. Her voice was tinny as it came from the datapad’s speakers. “I’ll keep it distracted!”

The camera shook, the footage blurred a little, its image stabilisation unable to keep up with how fast she was running. Her camera jerked, showing a little of Harper, Kosta and B’Sayle were pulling people out of one Nomad, while Jaal and Nyx were fighting to pry open the doors of the other. Her breath was loud as she panted. Her rifle popped in and out of view as she ran towards the Architect, periodically firing and sending blue energy towards the monster. 

As she neared, she radioed in. “Status update, guys.”

He couldn’t hear the other side of the conversation but he didn’t need to. He had heard it from everyone’s perspective. Hers was the last. There was a reason why he put her last. His chest tightened painfully. 

“All right, just hurry up ok? My ass is flapping in the wind here.”

Seated alone in the HQ, he had his hand in his mouth and he bit down. He knew what was coming. He had already seen it five others ways before. 

Booms from her shotgun made him flinch, her rifle already folded down and holstered. The shaking stopped because she was still. The Architect was impossibly large as it loomed over her. Its metallic head reared back and screamed at her. 

“Feisty little bitch, aren’t you,” she muttered under her breath.

Evfra tasted blood in his mouth, his teeth broke skin. She emptied her shotgun. Boom after boom after boom. 

“A little busy here,” she shouted, then a pause as she got behind cover. “You got them all? All right, fall back, fall back!”

She started running. This time, back towards the others. Evfra’s jaw tightened, ignoring the pain from his lips. 

One moment the camera was shaking so much she must be setting a new personal record, the next the view of the camera spun in a manner so utterly dizzying. It flipped from sky to ground, back to sky and finally settling on the ground. As the camera was pressing to the dirt of Sansesyol, the screech of the Architect blew out the audio input of the camera. 

Ryder wasn’t moving. The camera was deathly still. Her crew screamed her name. 

A strangled grunt escaped his mouth. He pushed the datapad away. The images were burnt into his mind even as he wrenched his eyes away from it. The space there was suddenly too small, too close, too suffocating. He couldn’t bear to be in there a moment longer. His feet took him out of the HQ without conscious thought. When he realised it, he was standing right outside Ryder’s room. 

He needed to see her with his own eyes. He needed to confirm she was alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are always welcome!


	4. Brittle

It was late. The last visit he managed, she was just being brought out of the coma. Evfra had hoped for a smart quip about the situation, a disparaging comment her attire, or even just a grunt of annoyance. Anything to reassure him. 

It was selfish, he knew. She was the one hurt but he needed her to provide comfort. It was unfair and it burnt Evfra to need it. 

But instead of reassurances then Ryder had panicked. Nothing Lexi did calmed her. The machines screamed and blared, making his fingers itched for his rifle. The way she panicked made his chest hurt more than ever, eyes open but unseeing, mouth fighting to speak but her breathing tube made her mute. The tears she shed were bullets to his tattered heart. 

_My special girl._

Evfra did the only thing he could think of. In their love-making, she had mentioned his bio-electricity calmed and lulled her to restfulness. And it worked. It was only when recognition returned to her eyes that his heart slowed to its normal pace.

And he had never been back to see her since. She was usually either resting or he was just too tired to do anything beyond collapsing in a cot at HQ. But after watching the body-can footage, he _needed_ to see her. 

Evfra’s palm pressed against the holo-lock and the door slid open. The room was dim, windows set to full opacity mode. The only source of light came from the monitors as the light from the corridor outside was cut off as the door hissed close. Her bed was set in the up right position. 

_That’s can’t be comfortable._

His footsteps despite his size were silent. Even in the dimness, he found the controls easier enough. The figure on the bed shifted. Her eyes reflecting in the dim light. 

“Evfra.” 

Her voice was hoarse. She cleared her throat and then turned to grope for her glass of water. Instead of finding it, she swiped it with the back of hand, spilling water everywhere. Evfra intercepted it before it made to the floor. 

“Fuck.”

He refilled the glass and handed it back to her. She fumbled a little holding it with her non-dominant right hand, a frown took up residence on her brow. 

“Lights,” he warned as he snapped on the lights. 

She hissed, shooting him a look through narrowed eyes. Evfra adjusted its intensity and dimmed it to a comfortable brightness. Enough for her to see but not enough to trigger another headache. T’Perro had kept him up to date regarding her conditions via several mails. Whether it was out of protocol or courtesy, Evfra had no idea, though he appreciated them nonetheless. 

“Took you long enough,” she said. “No fuck, no visits?”

His ire surged instantly. Despite her condition, she had no trouble finding the familiar buttons to press. “I was busy.”

“You’re always busy. You look worse than I do,” she chuckled. 

He sank into a chair position just next to her bed. His teeth worried over his lips as he looked at her. Angaras, culturally, didn’t speak of illness. Injuries were like illness not something they spoke of. Visiting was very much out of the norm for them. But now that he was here, he had no idea what to do. 

“Sorry I didn’t keep my promise. I did almost die this time.”

He frowned at her. He remembered no promises made. Ryder chuckled, “It’s fine. Three months is a little too long to expect you to remember a conversation.” 

Awkward silence wormed its way between them as he sat in his chair, shifting a little uncomfortably. He remembered but it wasn’t like this the last time. _Why is it different this time? Why does his chest hurt so badly?_

“A little help?”

It shook him from his thoughts as he took the cup from her. Ryder looked at him. He returned the gaze as evenly as he could. His eyes tracing the heavy bandages around her head, tufts of blonde hair peeking out in spots. Her left arm was encased from hand to elbow in a medi-cast, holding her broken bone in place and accelerating its healing. Her medical gown was loose. Between the folds of fabric, Evfra could see the bandages that wind around her torso. Even her face, carried four angry lines that ran from under her left eye towards her ear. 

His chest ached something fierce as he squeezed his eyes shut. Her body slammed hard against the ground, the Architect screaming its triumph, he flinched. Even though Ryder was seated right in front of him, he needed to make sure she was real. His hand drifted towards her face. Ryder flinched away, grimacing. He withdrew his hand as if burnt. She looked away.

The silence grew again.

“Lexi says these will be here to stay,” she said shattering the silence as she gestured at the deep gouges scoring her face. “Seems the Architect bitch slapped me and it shattered my visor. Thank fuck I didn’t choke on that nasty Sansesyol air. One time is enough, thank you very much.”

Evfra’s eyes widened slightly. That was a detail he didn’t know. _She had too many close calls, too many._

Ryder went on, oblivious to Evfra’s inner turmoil. “I hope you like your humans all scratched up, beaten and maybe a little of a head case. Cause if you don’t like it just say the word, big boy. I’ll stop inflicting myself on you.”

She laughed, it was brittle and tired. He grunted, not quite trusting his voice for a moment. Ryder sighed, her eyes downcast, not one bit assured by his reaction. “My preferences isn’t the point of this visit,” he tried instead.

“What _is_ the point of this visit?” she asked, her eyes flashing, angry all of a sudden. “Cause I seemed to be the one doing all the talking.”

“You should just stop being the hero,” he blurted. “You are-“

 _My special girl._

Ryder straightened instantly. The air in the room grew electric. Evfra had seen her biotics at work before. She wasn’t glowing blue yet, but she was on a hair’s edge of unleashing it. 

“What did you say?” she growled. 

The earlier anger was turning into a white hot fury. “I am no good? I got beaten up by an Architect cause I’m fucking useless? Is that what you think of me?”

Evfra’s jaw tightened. Ryder left him no room to explain as she went on. ‘I fucked up, ok? I fucked up cause I fucking care. Excuse me for prioritising getting everyone out. Excuse me for wanting to be the fucking hero.”

Her face was red. Her fist clenched. Her eyes met his, fury was the blue shimmer that glowed behind her gaze. “I thought you knew me better than this. Fuck, I should know better. Whatever is this thing between us, it’s over. I mean, was it anything more than physical? I guess not. Fuck, Evfra, I guess not.”

Evfra’s jaw tightened. Her body ragged doll in his mind again but his stubborn indignation overrode everything. “You’re irreplaceable to your people but you overstep yourself, Pathfinder. ”

With that he left. He wasn’t about to weather her hissy fit, her little temper tantrum. She was being unreasonable. It made no sense to stand there and suffer her abuse. She was alive, she was fine. That’s all he needed to know and he had done that. He had work to do and these reports weren’t going to compile themselves. 

* * *

Ryder stared at herself in the hand mirror. She tilted her chin and twisting to look at her face. Her eyes constantly drifting to the red lines that marked her face. She didn’t think she was a vain person, looks wasn’t important. It was nothing special, just something that was just there. She used to laugh at people who took special care of their skin with lotions and creams to make sure they stayed pretty and looked good. 

Shallow, skin-deep, she used to sneer. 

But looking at the four, _four!_ lines that branded her as a failure, she realised she was no different. 

_Fucking narcissistic, that’s what._

She led the exercise, it ended in disaster. How was anyone else to blame? Now the alliance she worked so hard on sat a knife’s edge. Tann and Evfra, _fucking De Tershaav_ , were going back and forth on blame. 

Objectively she knew Evfra wasn’t wrong to push back on Tann’s demands. But she cant be objective not after that conversation. Ryder snorted. _A conversation if I can even call it that._

It was a reprimand, pure and simple. And she deserved it. Whatever that they had, she destroyed. And it seemed that all she was good for, wrecking, ruining, and ravaging. 

_That’s the Ryder family’s legacy. Murder, mayhem and death, all of it hidden behind an emblem, a badge. What is that but a flimsy excuse?_

Ryder buried her face into her hands. Her eyes stung, but she refused to give herself permission to cry. She didn’t deserve the relief. The door hissed open. She jerked up, hoping for one angara but got the other. 

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Jaal asked as he stepped inside. In his hands was a tray of real food. 

Her eyes narrowed, immediately suspicious. “What is this Jaal?”

“Food,” he replied innocently. 

“Uh huh, I can see that but what _is_ it?”

He settled the tray down on the table and wheeled it over to her before taking a seat. His right arm was still a cast like her. “A peace offering from Lexi.”

“Really? I’m that scary?”

“Well, you did tear into her. I heard it from my room.”

“Well then, she shouldn’t keep things about me _from_ me.”

“Lexi is just worried about you. She didn’t meant to withhold information from you, she was merely seeking an appropriate time to let you know.”

Ryder growled and reached over to the tray. She had a variety of fruits to pick from. There was one roughly grape sized but red and hairy. “What is this?” she asked. 

“Oh, this is one of yours. Lexi told me it is a rambutan.”

Ryder cocked her head, never seen this fruit before. “Peel?”

Jaal nodded and showed her. Once the hairy red shell was removed, the flesh was nice and juicy. She popped it into her mouth and chewed, savouring the sweet taste. Between chews she asked, “So why is it you can be up and about?”

“I wasn’t bumped on the head like you,” he pointed out. “In fact, I’ve been discharged and assisting Evfra back at the HQ.”

Her mouth twisted at the mention of Evfra’s name. Jaal eyed her. “Something wrong?”

“This rambutan is fucking sour.” She declared and popped a fresh one into her mouth.

* * *

And that was how it went. Jaal came and kept her company. Her ears perked up, through no volition of her own, whenever Evfra’s name was mentioned. From what she gathered, everything was going to shit. 

“So Evfra just declared Tann an imbecile and ended the meeting on the spot,” Jaal said, finishing the latest episode of the Evfra and Tann soap opera.

Ryder hummed, walking within the small confines of her room. Her muscles weak and shaky from more than two weeks of confined bed rest. “Sounds like Evfra.”

“I’m worried.”

“About the alliance?”

“That and Evfra.”

She grunted. Jaal looked at her, a twinkle in his eyes. _I am not falling into this trap. This fucking obvious trap._

She made another circuit. Her jaw tight and her lips pressed thin. 


	5. Marks of Failure

Ryder was finally granted permission to leave her room for at least a part of the day. 

“But you have to be back before my visit with you. Your physical injuries are healing nicely but I am still worried about the after effects of the decompressive craniectomy we had to do.”

Ryder had her eyes closed as the bandages were slowly unwinded from her head. She was dreading looking at herself. The four lines across under her left eye was bad enough but brain surgery? 

_Did they have to shave my head? They had to, right?_

She sighed, her eyes squeezed tighter. 

_I’m so fucked up. The alliance is crumbling and I’m worried about my fucking hair. Maybe I am really not cut out for this job. Cora can do a better job, I’m sure._

“Ryder,” Lexi called, a gentle hand on her shoulder. “I’m done.”

Ryder opened her eyes tentatively. Lexi reached out and tilted her head left and right, checking the surgery site. Lexi nodded to herself, satisfied with what she saw. 

“Is it bad?” she asked, frustrated at the tremble in her voice. 

“No, it is not. Considering how you looked when they dragged you up the Tempest, the fact you’re alive… Well, it was a miracle.”

Ryder could feel the play of air against her scalp again. Was it cooler than before? Or was she just not used to the sensation after having the bandages over her head for so long? 

“Ryder,” Lexi called, she waited for Ryder’s attention to shift. “You are irreplaceable. The Nexus need you, we need you to find us all a home. Please take care of yourself.”

_That word again._

For a moment, she didn’t speak. The weight on her shoulders seemed to have increased ten fold. She rolled her shoulders to try and find a comfortable manner to carry it. There was none. 

“We don’t need a hero,” Lexi said. 

Ryder stiffened. 

“We need a Pathfinder,” she went on, unaware that she was echoing Evfra’s words. 

Ryder straightened in her bed, her body wind so tight she felt she was going to spring apart from the tension. “Yeah,” she said, “Maybe so. I need a shower, Lexi. I promise I’ll be back as agreed.”

The moment she had the privacy of a bathroom, Ryder stripped. She turned the shower as hot as it would go before stepping into the stream of water. Her eyes averted from the mirror. Water cascaded down her head, running in rivulets down her face and back. 

She scrubbed. Her fingers and hands working to rid her body of nights spent wondering if Evfra was going to visit again. _He never did._ Soap and shampoo weren’t enough to purge her body of the shame of failure. _Irreplaceable, more like fucking incompetent. Useless and completely hopeless._ By the time, she dried herself off, she was completely red. Her skin hot to the touch. 

Stepping in front of the fogged mirror, she took a deep breath, steeling herself. When Ryder was washing her hair, she could guess the state of her hair. But still she had to see it for herself. Her good hand thumped against the fogged up mirror and she dragged her hand from left to right. The first wipe, revealed her face. Steam continuously tried to obscure her reflection. She wiped a second time, this time clearing a good portion of the mirror. 

Slowly Ryder twisted her neck. First the right side, it was fine. Short blonde hair as she had always seen it, a little darker because it was wet, her longer fringe slicked upwards. Now the left. A significant part of her already short hair was shaved off. There was a long ugly curved line, shaped like a C, traced the dome of her head. 

_Fuck._

Her hand shook as she moved to touch it. They had to use something stronger than skin glue and it showed. It looked like someone tried to skin her and then changed their minds. And in truth, that was probably exactly what the doctors did. 

_It doesn’t matter, does it? It shouldn’t matter. I’m alive. Why the fuck do I mind it so much?_

She couldn’t bear to look at the wound any longer. She tugged on a set of Initiative zip up hoodie and pants. Her feet slipped into a pair of sneakers. But she hesitated at the door. The holo-lock glowed a gentle green. 

For more than a week she chaffed at being confined to her bed, then her room. Now that she was loose upon the world, she felt fear. _What if they know the truth? One look at me, it is clear I am the bloody idiot who tried to play hero. And which hero looks like me?_

“Damnit,” she hissed as she caught sight of her reflection of the monitors.

Her fear turned to frustration as she tugged the hood up. _Why the fuck am I so irrational? Why does this bother me? Why?_ Pressing her hand on the holo-lock, she refused to give herself time to hesitate. Ryder all but forced herself out the door. 

* * *

Evfra looked up. Jaal had taken the seat opposite from him, sliding a cup towards him. His lips curled. “What is this?”

“Coffee.”

“More of that tar humans enjoyed pouring down their throats,” he sneered. 

“And it works. I’ve seen them bounced around non-stop like pyjacks after drinking it. You look like you could use it.”

The scent was inviting enough. And he had tried it when Ryder drank it like it was the nectar of life. Begrudgingly, he sipped at the drink. The bitterness curled his tongue as he grimaced at the taste. Putting the cup down, he glared at Jaal. 

“What are you still doing here?”

“Just keeping an eye on things.”

Evfra growled and pointedly returned to his datapads. Jaal shifted into a more comfortable position and seemed to be digging in for the long haul. Evfra narrowed his eyes, surveying the younger angara over the rim of his datapads but kept quiet. 

He checked and double checked, providing timestamps and screenshots, attached appendices and typed till he was seeing double. He hit the play button again. 

“Go, go!” Ryder’s voice came through the speakers. “I’ll keep it distracted.”

Evfra’s grip on the datapad tightened. 

“All right, just hurry up ok. My ass is flapping in the wind here.”

He couldn’t help but urge the Ryder in the screen to move faster, to just go. _Stop being the hero!_

“All right, fall back, fall back!”

His shoulders were so tense it ached. He was readying himself for the inevitable, but before that could happen a hand jerked the datapad from his hands. Evfra snarled, his eyes darting to look for the culprit. It was Jaal. 

“Stop it!” he yelled. “Ancestors, why are you watching this?”

“I need to make my case,” he growled. “I refuse to let this alliance fail because of that spindly asshole is trying to milk resources out of us. I refuse to give in.”

“Yes, I agree but not like this. Watching this footage? How many times have you seen it?”

Evfra looked away. It was answer enough for Jaal. “One time is one too many,” the younger angara decalred. 

He sighed and leaned back against his chair. Exhaustion weighing his shoulders down. Reluctantly, he dragged the now stone coffee towards him and took a large gulp, grimacing at the taste. 

“How is she?”

After the conversation, Evfra’s anger wasn’t quick to dispel. It lingered and burnt in his guts, a mixture of guilt and rage. It was a cold fury directed at Ryder’s ability to jump to conclusions and most of all at himself for taking his insecurities out on Ryder. She needed support not the other way around. 

It had been days since the conversation and he didn’t dare return for fear of agitating her. She need rest, peace and quiet not the stress of the failing alliance. 

“What do you think?”

Evfra shot him a look out of sheer habit. 

“Physically, she is better. She spent the week after she was eased out of her medically induced coma insisting she wanted to get out of the hospital. Then another week after that making life hell for everyone trying to get her way. Then stole a datapad and did some extranet searching and figured shit out about her condition.”

_That’s my girl. Nothing is going to stop her getting what she wants._

“Lexi finally confirmed that the memory she lost might never be recoverable. And it feels like she fell down a hole after that. Then you have that “talk with her,” said Jaal, his fingers making air-quotes. 

Evfra growled. _The boy is picking up all the aliens’ bad habits, speaking with his fingers like that._

“Then, three days ago, Lexi let her out of the room for the first time and she just didn’t return. She-“

Evfra fought to remain seated. “Why wasn’t I informed? How can you just let her out without watching her?”

“She is fine. Why can’t she come and go as she pleases?” Jaal pointed out. “Is she a prisoner and I wasn’t informed? Does she need a baby sitter?”

Evfra sighed, tugging at his rofjinn. He was at a loss for words. His urge was to protect but Ryder didn’t need that, she’d probably hated it. The best he could do was to make sure what they had worked for was still standing when she returned. He waved a hand at Jaal, indicating he should continue. 

“Lexi said she might have some headaches or dizziness but these will all pass in time. She can be discharged and living in the embassy like Lexi. She is kept at the hospital just purely for observation. And all the better for _you_ to visit,” Jaal pointed out. 

Evfra took a deep breath and nodded, acknowledging Jaal’s words. The surge of adrenaline over Ryder being missing left him jittery and unsettled. But obviously, they found her otherwise Jaal wouldn’t be sitting here with him. 

“It was midnight when I found her sitting alone in the markets. Evfra, she is not doing well mentally. She left the hospital and just sat at the markets. She didn’t eat, she didn’t drink. She just sat there. She was surprised when I came and got her.”

Evfra’s chest tightened. It was the same sensation he had been getting whenever his thoughts drifted to her. They were on the precipice of something more than physical attraction. But the Architect took that away, along with her memories, her confidence and it seemed the spark that made Ryder special. 

“So you’re keeping an eye on her now?” Evfra asked, his protective streak demanded he make sure Ryder had an escort. 

“I don’t need to,” Jaal sighed. 

Evfra turned to look at him sharply. The younger angara’s eyes were filled with worry and concern. “She just never leaves her room now.”

Dread was the slow creeping of tendrils that wrapped around his heart. It is the hand that tightened around his throat, the chains that constricted his lungs, squeezing the air out of him. 

“You need to speak to her. Lexi and I are not getting through to her. I didn’t realised physical appearance was so important to human.”

“What do you mean?” Evfra frowned. 

“She got her bandages removed but keeps wearing her hoodie with the hood up all the time. I noticed she kept her eyes averted from all mirrors and reflective surface. When I tried to talk to her about it, she just refused to engage.”

“This doesn’t sound like Ruder. She has never place weight on physical appearences,” Evfra interjected. 

He should know. How often had she showed him some new wound that inevitably came with some badass story that never failed to make him skeptical of the details? How often when he discovered a scar on her body was she eager to tell him the story? Those also came with their own incredible stories as well. He had seen her in action, it wasn’t completely unbelievable. 

To hear that scars bothered her was unexpected and worrisome. As far as he knew, Ryder only concession to vanity was hair product for that floppy fringe of hers. Everything else was just there, part of the scenery. 

“Scars are badges of honour for her,” he insisted. 

Jaal sighed. His face all creased by concern. 

“What does Lexi say?” Evfra asked, seeking solutions. 

“She is seeking advise from a friend of her on the Nexus. I think his name is Harry Carlyle. It seems he is a friend of the family.”

Evfra nodded, grimacing that he was of no help. _Hopefully he’ll know what to do._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, we're past the half way point now. We haven't quite hit rock bottom yet. Angst train chugging steadily along.


	6. Fix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: more angst!

“Ryder,” a voice called out, slightly muffled. 

Ryder flinched and opened her eyes. She had been dozing, dipping in and out of shallow sleep as her headaches allowed. A faint chime came from the door. 

“Who is it?” she called, her hand reaching up to brush her hair into place only to falter when she touched her scar. It was raised, puckered and still slightly tender. 

“It’s me, Moshae Sjefa.”

Hastily, Ryder put on her hoodie and tugged the hood over her head. The Moshae smiled as she entered. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I didn’t realised you were resting.”

She managed a wan smile. “Don’t worry about it. My sleep has been off of late.”

“Does your doctor know?”

She shrugged, she had been feeling lethargic after that one day excursion out. It had sapped her energy just being out there. She barely was together enough to notice she had missed all her meals and just sat for hours. 

It scared her how out of it she was. She prided herself on being a competent if not well trained soldier. Her career in the Alliance had been promising until the backlash over her father’s AI research cut it short for her. Situational awareness was the lifeblood of all career military especially a biotic vanguard. The fact she had just sat in the open, unaware of time passing, of her own body growling in hunger shook her. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t visit earlier. I was a little busy,” the Moshae said

“Thank you for your help with managing the injured,” Ryder replied, pushing herself upright. 

“Don’t worry about it, it is what you would have done for us too.”

The Moshae sat down with a beatific smile, a hand on Ryder’s own. “It’s a shame that when you finally still for a decent amount of time it’s because you are hurt. I’ve read the reports. I am really glad you are mending well.”

“It is thanks to the medical team here. Lexi told me how much I owe them my life.”

The Moshae smiled and patted her hand. “Has Evfra visited? I know he is even busier than I am.”

Ryder stiffened, almost jerking her hand out of the Moshae’s gentle grip. The Moshae noticed but interpreted the reaction differently. “Oh, he is doing the best he can but he works better with your help. I’m sure you’ve noticed. I’ll be sure to remind him to come visit more often. There is no reason why he couldn’t step away for an hour.”

She swallowed and could only nod in response. How was she supposed to tell the Moshae it was nothing but sex. It was disclosing her sex life to her own grandmother. At the same time, she and Evfra didn’t even have that now. And the thought sickened her. What took months to build was destroyed so utterly in seconds. _I am living up to the Ryder destructive legacy._

“How are the talks going? I’ve only heard a little from Jaal but not the details,” she asked. “Maybe there is something I can do to help.”

The Moshae pursed her lips as she considered Ryder’s question. “I’m not sure if I should tell you this. You’re still recovering, you shouldn’t need to be worried about this.”

“I’ll worry anyway. This alliance is something I’ve worked very hard for. I want to see it succeed above all else. We are stronger together than apart.”

The elder angara nodded. “Then, maybe there is something you can do to help. The talks are not going well as you know.”

Ryder nodded. 

“They have been trying to pin the blame on our Resistance fighters. Anything from a lack of proper protocol to outright attempting assassinate,” the Moshae spat, her voice bitter. She took a deep breath to curb her anger. “Tann, of course, is demanding repatriation.”

Ryder stopped listening after the word blame. It echoed in her head and gaining in intensity. 

_Why is it the Resistance’s fault? Whose fault is it but mine?_

The Moshae’s lips flapped, she nodded at appropriate intervals but the words just washed over her. 

_Only I can fix this. There is only one thing that can save the alliance._

She started when the Moshae patted her hand again. “Feel better soon. Evfra need the Pathfinder back at his side.”

Ryder forced her lips into something resembling a smile. It was brittle at best. She was the last thing Evfra needed. She was a liability but nobody was recognising that. 

_I have to fix this._

* * *

Evfra stared at the holographic representation of Tann. Weeks, ancestors, weeks of talks. Back and forth discussion, reports after reports he had compiled and sent. Those included the body-cam footages of Ryder and her team. 

“Did you even read my report?” he growled, drawing himself to full height. 

“I did,” Tann replied dismissively. “The evidence is still inadequate. Your people failed provide sufficient support. This ended with the Pathfinder being seriously injured.”

“So now, we are not attempting to assassinate Ryder? And here I thought she wasn’t _your_ Pathfinder, why do you care?” 

“Your people are not skilled enough for an assassination attempt. It is clearly incompetence at work. And even though she might not be _my_ Pathfinder but I represent every species from the Nexus.”

Evfra’s eyes darted to Addison and Kandros. Neither spoke a word, allowing Tann to have his say. “Addison, Kandros, this is acceptable? Is his words, your words?” he demanded, his hands clenched and unclenched just beyond the edges of the camera. 

Addison sighed and looked away, while Kandros had his mouth open, mandibles flexing. “Tann…”

Addison’s hand shot out to grab the turian’s arm and shook her head. Evfra’s jaw tightened, his teeth was near ground to dust by the intensity. This was unacceptable. Evfra was determined not to give in especially when Tann was clearly trying to take advantage of the situation. Using Ryder as leverage for something so disgusting, tarring her name just by implication. The salarian was completely without honour, the others were no better. 

He took a deep breath, squaring his shoulders. The Moshae might be pissed but this was the only way this was going to end. He could see no way out. As much as he had worked so hard with Ryder on this was, it was all crumbling before his eyes.

“This alliance seemed to be a big mistake. We should have never considered it to begin with. This is our fault. But the incident, that is-“

“My fault.”

Evfra whirled around and saw Ryder standing behind him. Her eyes met his for a split second. In that moment he read exhaustion and guilt. Her tanned skin, a little greyer than before, was stark against the white of her clothes. She had her hood up, her face almost hidden in the shadows. From behind, one of his men rushed in. “You can’t be here. A meeting is going on.”

Evfra waved his man away while Ryder walked up to the table and activated her own holo-transmitter. Tann and the others were confused when they heard her voice but as her image winked to life on their end, he could hear them peppering her with questions. 

Ryder stood still, shoulders slumped. Evfra approached wishing he could yank the hood off. It wasn’t merely disrespectful but horribly inappropriate to cover one’s face and head in this manner in angara society. It only denoted one’s untrustworthiness. But Evfra stilled his hand and waited. 

She raised a hand and silenced the questions. Clearing her throat, she repeated, “It is my fault. I was in charge and the exercise ended with every single person who took part injured in some way. Me, being injured myself is no excuse. I should have been more careful, taken more time to access the situation.”

The silence buzzed in the wake of her words. Evfra looked at her, her body curled away from his. His chest tightened. Tann was the first to respond. “Ryder, do not try and cover for the angaras. I know you have something going on with Evfra,” he said, lips curling in a thinly veiled disgust. 

Evfra couldn’t help the growl he let loose. To imply Ryder was anything less than professional in her dealings with him when they hammered the details of the alliance together was infuriating. They didn’t know how hard Ryder had fought to make sure the Nexus species could integrate with the angaras. The placement of scientists at the angara settlements to pool knowledge. The opening of the embassy on Aya. All of it Ryder had fought hard for. 

Tann was undeterred. Maybe his confidence was bolster by the presence of the Pathfinder. He went on, “But you’re a hero. I have reviewed-“

Ryder flinched. “Tann, do you not get it?” she hissed, her palms pressed against the table. “I fucked up.”

She pushed the hood back and everyone gasped. Evfra’s eyes traced the angry red line that ran along the curve of her skull. Short blonde hair growing back in but they were nowhere enough to cover the scar up. The four lines under her left eye made her look angry. A tight band constricted his lungs as his hands twitched. He fought his need to offer comfort, to offer support, anything to end the pain in her eyes. 

Nobody spoke. She snorted, seemingly expecting the reaction. Her finger stabbed at her head as she said, “This is the mark of my failure. I don’t deserve my position as Pathfinder. I fucking path found my way to the business end of an Architect’s limb.”

She turned to Evfra as he hastily schooled his facial expression into one of polite curiosity. Confirming their sexual liaison in front of the Nexus Leadership would only do her no favours. 

Then it stuck him. The slumped shoulder, the pretend exhaustion were mere tools. She succeeded where he had failed. One dramatic entrance, one showman-like revealing of her scar, she shut them up. It was sheer force of personality. Evfra was breathless and mesmerised. 

_Why did I think to not involve her? There is no doubt, Skye Ryder is one on a million. She always knows what to do._

Ryder drew herself up, forging ahead while her bosses were reeling. “The alliance must endured. I will take full responsibility for my action and incompetence. I am completely replaceable and should be replaced.”

“You are not,” Kandros interrupted. “You are irreplaceable. You are our only hope to finding a home.”

Ryder laughed, it took on a hysterical edge. Evfra gritted his teeth. _How far are you going to push it? Just get rid of them and we can end Tann’s stupidity once and for all._

But it seemed she had other plans in mind. The turned up fringe she cared so much about was a floppy mess. Maybe that should have been his first clue when she first walked in. But it didn’t hit him till that very moment. A chill ran down his spine. _This is no act._

“I am a Ryder and I take responsibility for my actions. I hereby step down from my position as Pathfinder.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are always welcome!


	7. Falling Apart

“Ryder!” Evfra shouted, his chest ached as she flinched. His hand slammed down on the terminal, cutting the connection half way through her declaration. “Ancestors! What was that? Is that your idea of fixing things? You are making a mess of the situation.”

He was the only one who heard the second bit of that he was sure. His heart thudded against his ribs as if he had been racing. Ire and rage surged up his chest, chasing away all his misconception from before. He saw what he wanted to see. Ryder, whole and well, always with a hidden smile behind everything she did. Playing the game within the game, one step ahead of everyone. Maybe she scrapped by but she always came back. She always recovered. 

The Skye Ryder before him wasn’t the one who bid him goodbye that day. That Skye Ryder didn’t return. 

“Resigning?” he asked, anguish made him lash out in anger, turning his voice curt and cutting. “That’s your solution?”

She pulled the hood back over her head. It seemed to swallow her alive as she hid from him. She was a husk collapsing in on herself. Evfra’s jaw tightened, disappointed at her recklessness, at his blindness to her pain. 

“What’s wrong with you?” he growled, his arms tightened over her shoulders, attempting to put her back together by sheer force. 

“Say something!”

Ryder looked down, her face completely shrouded by the infernal hood. He could feel tiny tremors running through her body. 

_She’s shaking. I did that. What happened? You’re my special girl. What happened?_

Frustration boiled to the surface, he pulled the hood off her head. She flinched, eyes wild, looking at him. His special girl was crying. Tears stood in her eyes as she fought them back. His chest tightened painfully seeing her completely and utterly lost and broken. A lump formed in his throat as he pulled her close. “Ryder, just let it out.“ 

But she struggled against him. “No.” The word came out like a moan at first then more forcefully. 

He let go. And she ran. 

* * *

Ryder escaped from Resistance HQ with everyone staring holes at her back. Her scars were on full display, red and raw, throbbing painfully. It took her hours to calm enough before she made her way back to the hospital. Nobody questioned her as she walked with red-rimmed eyes back to her room. She stared at herself in the mirror and her shoulders started shaking again. She was a mess and she knew it. By the time, Lexi arrived for the daily check up, she had shed her weight in tears. Ryder had gone from gut-wrenching guilty to soul-numbingly blank. 

Lexi smiled kindly, keeping her updated on the comings and goings of the others. “Oh, they can’t wait for you to be back in command,” she said. “Cora might have been a little too strict with what she let them get away with.”

There was no mention of her explosive resignation. There was no mention of her near hysterical outburst at Resistance HQ. Nothing at all. 

_Has Evfra told nobody? Did the Leadership even hear me at the end there? Fuck, I can’t even quit my job properly._

She grunted, pulling her hood back up the moment Lexi was done. The asari sighed. “It will fade, the stitches will dissolve soon too,” she said trying to make her feel better. “And once your hair grows back nobody can see it.”

Ryder just curled up onto her left side, pressing her scars on her face and head against the pillow. “I’m tired, Lexi,” she whispered. 

For a while, Lexi didn’t speak. Ryder kept her eyes resolutely aimed at the window though there was nothing interesting there. She felt a hand on her shoulder, a single squeeze then Lexi left. 

Ryder was alone. _Was it only weeks ago when everything was normal? Is this my new normal?_

Somehow she felt worse than before, her stomach and sides ached badly for days. Ryder ignored it, sure it was due to her lying in bed all day. Lexi had repeatedly told her that her survival was a miracle. Her recovery was nothing short of fantastical. 

Skye Ryder the Irreplaceable Pathfinder, the Redundant Hero. 

Sleep remained elusive, her head pounded near constantly. Lexi had given her medication, it left her head fuzzy but it did nothing for her insomnia. But she endured, because she was irreplaceable. 

_Not fucking anymore. I’ll have to get an omni-tool and do it in writing._

She blinked, slow and heavy, gazing out the window. Aya’s nights were pretty. Her eyes watching the flares of molten spray in the distance following the clouds of steam where liquid rock met water.

In the silence, insidious and poisonous thoughts wormed their way out of cervices. Every voice took a stab at her actions, picking apart everything she had done. Nothing was good enough, she was never fast enough. Thoughts swirled inside her brain like a maelstrom. She blinked, realising the sun had set and denizens of Aya were all asleep. Time stretched and compressed in strange ways when she listened to the endless voices in her head. 

The voices were too loud and her head was a mess. 

Ryder sighed, willing her thoughts to silence. They merely withdrew to return later. The static in her head buzzed angrily as the missing chunk of time loomed large. She stared across the chasm. There was nothing but distant flashes of light in the darkness. Her fingers groped the edges of the hole in her memory. It still pulsed urgently but it was hopelessly beyond her grasp. 

_What was it about some special dinner? The articles on the extranet did mention that the memory could be scrambled by the injury. Why am I so fucking tired all the time? I’ll feel better once I tender my resignation properly. I’m just still recovering and the headaches don’t help one bit._

She sighed, shifting to get into a more comfortable position, her shooting pain ran up her side as she did so. Her hands tugged the blanket up her chest, shivering a little. _Why am I so cold?_

The door hissed open. _It must one of the nurses again._ She refused to turn over, hoping they would go away if they thought she was sleeping. Ryder kept her breathing slow and even. Footsteps approached and the chair facing her creaked as a weight settled into it. 

_No, no, no. Go away. Leave me alone!_

Ryder kept her eyes closed and body limp. A presence grew near and a hand held her own. Five fingers, two of which were webbed. 

_Jaal?_

A familiar buzzing grazed her face. One finger traced her line of her jaw, brushing against her cheek. It brought back memories of her panic when she first woke up. She fought her body’s instinct to tense. Ryder would recognise that bio-electricity signature anywhere. _Evfra._

“Ryder, are you awake?” he whispered. 

She kept up with her pretending, simultaneously praying he would go away and hoping he’d never taking his hand away again. 

The leader of the Resistance must have been tired, he didn’t noticed how coiled her body was, a spring ready to burst apart. His breath left his mouth in a sigh. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m a coward. Sneaking in here like this. I should be doing this when you’re awake.”

More sounds of shifting as he took his hand away from her face. The absence made her breath catch. 

“Ryder I meant what I said you are irreplaceable.”

 _That fucking word again._ She had half a mind to sit up and slap him just to get the word out of her head. 

“But I am not just talking about the plight of your people,” Evfra went on oblivious how close he was to getting smacked. “I am talking about me as well.”

 _What?_ Ryder’s mind raced. _What is he talking about?_ But she remained still, committed to the pretense. 

“I was blind didn’t recognise the pain you were in. I shouldn’t have kept my distance. Being busy is just an excuse,” he said. “You’re-“

Evfra sighed. A sound so heavy it pressed against her chest. Ryder knew she cared for the angara. There was never a doubt in that. She cared for him like she did with the rest of her crew. Sure they fucked from time to time but they were friends and comrades, they had each other’s backs. Though it was mostly in the boardroom, negotiating with the Nexus than on the battlefield but the principle still applied. They didn’t need any commitment beyond that. 

Evfra stood up and bent over her head. With every breath, she took in his scent, strong musk laced with the natural citrusy undertone of angaras. He pressed his lips onto her forehead before whispering. 

“You’re my special girl.”

It was lightning shot through her head. Blood pounded so loud in her ears she heard nothing else. A heat rose from her core and flushed through her body. It was like her brain synapses being fried as Evfra’s words echoed over and over again in her ears. 

_Special girl._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Home stretch people! Two more chapters


	8. Just like Yours

She alternated between hot and cold when the nurse arrived to take her vitals in the morning. Her eyes were sandy and painful. Another night of no sleep, hours of twisting and turning Evfra’s words over and over in her head, feeling more miserable as the hours stretched. 

_Coward, why didn’t you stop pretending and just talk? Fucking coward._

“Ryder, you’re running a fever,” Lexi said, “We’ll need to do some test to make sure you’re not getting an infection.”

She groaned as she tried to turn away from her doctor. Her body ached and she was cold but Lexi insisted that she not use any blankets. For some reason, she felt like she needed to cry over the simple restriction. The door hissed open. Ryder turned, hoping it was Jaal. _At least he will be more sympathetic to my woes._

There stood another angara. Her heart stuttered at the sight of him. It never did that before. 

“Evfra,” she called. 

He was instantly at her side. “What happened?”

This question he directed to Lexi. “Fever, possible infection. I am trying to get a blood sample once I examine of her wound.”

Without asking, Evfra pressed a palm on her forehead. The contact of bio-electricity on feverish skin was uncomfortable. She groaned and twisted away. Evfra nodded. “Yes she is much warmer. I didn’t notice it when I visited last night.”

Ryder didn’t expect him to be so forthright about his visit. “I’m fucking here people,” she growled as a shiver ran through her. “And I am cold.”

Evfra looked at her. His gaze unreadable and opaque. His fingers quickly unclipped his rofjinn and spread it over her. She took it greedily savouring his residual heat, fighting the urge to bury his face in it and just breath his scent in. 

Lexi wasn’t impressed. “Your arm, Ryder.”

After a couple of tubes of blood donated, an inspection of the surgical site and a barrage of questions, Lexi seemed satisfied. “I’ll come back for a urine sample later. Meanwhile I will discuss your condition with the doctors.”

When Lexi left, Evfra followed. Ryder blinked, watching as the door closed behind them. She had hoped for some time alone with Evfra to just talk. She pressed her hand against her temple, feeling utterly miserable. 

* * *

“Dr. T’Perro,” Evfra called out. 

“After how closely we have all worked together, I think you can call me Lexi,” she said, her hands were full with Ryder’s blood samples. “Will this be long?”

Evfra gestured for Lexi to walk on as he spoke about his observation of Ryder. The asari’s face took on a pale pallor the longer he spoke. After Lexi dropped off the samples with the lab, she pulled Jaal out of his physical therapy session and brought them into a borrowed office. 

“Did you notice this?” she asked. 

“Ryder has been acting very differently since her injury. I had been too busy to see her earlier but after yesterday I am sure,” Evfra said. 

“She has been having trouble sleeping, the headaches have been contributing to it,” Lexi said. “But…”

“Her mood changes quickly too. Look at how hard she fought to get out of the hospital and now she barely leaves her room,” Jaal commented. “Why didn’t I notice before?”

“I am her doctor and I missed all the signs. I’ve just put it down to her trying to come to terms with her scars and memory loss but I think you are right, Evfra.”

“I have seen this shift in some of our fighters especially ones who have had taken a bad head injury like Ryder.”

Lexi sighed, running her hand over her face. “I have to speak to her. There is definitely merit in what you say. I can’t believe I’ve let her suffer in silence for so long. The pressure she is under bad enough but I’ve just made it worse. I kept telling her about how lucky she was. How she important she is.”

Evfra’s jaw tightened. “I did no better. What kind of person am I to shout at her when she is hurting. She needs our help.”

* * *

Ryder didn’t think she would ever leave the room. And she didn’t want to anymore. The new pain in her side was killing her. Feeling completely useless and the combination of insomnia, fever and headache left her a shadow of herself. The only thing tugging at her were Evfra’s words. The gentle manner he touched her made her heart fluttered in ways it hadn’t before. Their sex was a game of dominance and one-upmanship, neither holding the throne for long. It was rough, it was sensual, it was everything but gentle. They didn’t do gentle until now. 

_I was with him the night before the exercise. We spoke and then…_

The yawning chasm stretched before her. It was blank. Special girl, the words rang a bell for her, it tugged at her mind like nothing else would, but it was a thread just out of reach. 

The door slid open again. _What now?_ This time in trooped Lexi, Jaal and Evfra. She shifted into an upright position. “What’s going on?”

Evfra leaned against the wall while Jaal and Lexi advanced towards her. Alarm crawled up her throat. Despite the well meaning smiles on their face, Ryder felt cornered and trapped. 

“Ryder, I have a few questions for you,” Lexi said. 

“You were just in here asking questions.”

Her eyes darted between the three of them. Eventually stopped on Evfra’s. He remained a stone wall, all professional and a mild case of haughtiness. She was getting no help from any quarter. 

“I have more now. How has your sleep been?”

“Not good but you know that,” she pointed out, tugging Evfra’s rofjinn tighter over her shoulders. 

“Yes, other than the headaches, is there anything else bothering you?”

“What do you mean?” she asked uncertainly. 

Jaal had taken up the seat next to her while Lexi kept the stiff smile on her face. Evfra continued to brood in his corner. 

“I’ve noticed you hiding your head in your hoodie all the time. Does it bother you?”

“No, it’s fine,” she replied, her tone biting, a little of her old steel creeping back in. 

“Can I see it?”

“What the fuck, Lexi. You just examined it earlier. It was fine then it is fine now,” Panic forcing her to lash out. “What is going on? Why are you all cornering me.”

Lexi flinched but had no answer for her. Jaal looked away and Evfra was the spectral that haunted her room. 

“I’m fucking tired. Just get out of my room.”

“Ryder, you are not well,” Jaal ventured cautiously. 

“I know that. I fought an Architect and I lost. I fucking got my skull cut open and my brain was aired out. My arm is broken and my head hurts all the damn time,” she shouted. “I know I am not fucking well.”

Her chest was heaving by the end of her tirade. The words left her scrapped raw as if every admission was skinning her alive. They stared at her, her confession had rendered them speechless. Frustration and confusion boiled to the surface. 

“I’m fucking tired, I don’t want to be a hero and I sucked at it.” 

Her eyes finding Evfra’s, the frown on her brow tight, daring him to say something, praying that he would. 

“I am not irreplaceable. I am just Alec Ryder’s daughter. I am nobody. And what a fucking curse on everyone it was,” she laughed. Her belly ached from how hard she was laughing while tears sprung from her eyes. “I am the fucking replaceable Pathfinder. Cora can do a better job than I.”

A lump formed at her throat through her bitter laughter. It turned hysterical laughter to gut wrenching sobs as she buried her face into Evfra’s rofjinn. 

“I fucking quit, I fucking quit.” 

* * *

Evfra stared. This was a bad idea. He knew it the moment he saw the way she stiffened when they entered. But faced with her raw pain, he was floored. He had forgot how young she was. She was barely into her 20s. She didn’t spend years fighting a war. She went to sleep and woke up in hell. And she had been holding it together so well. Her injury had shook something loose in her and all the pressure came flooding out. 

_She is in pain. She had been crying for help but what I did do? Nothing. Worse than nothing, I heaped more pressure on her._

Evfra pushed off from the wall. He couldn’t bear to hear it anymore. She needed comfort and she needed it now. It didn’t matter she misunderstood what was happening. He crossed the space between them, pushing Lexi out of the way and pulled her into his chest. He felt her body stiffened under his touch, sure she was going to slap him with a biotic blast. But that was no excuse not to reach out to her. His arms tightened and she just crumpled into him. 

Every sob that shuddered through her body was another stab to his soul. _Ancestors, why was I so blind?_

“Ryder,” he cooed into her ear softly, pushing her hood back from her head. 

She whimpered and struggled but he soothed her by brushing her hair, knowing how much the sensation soothed her. At the same time, he took care to avoid her sensitive scar. “You’re ok. I’ve got you. Just let it all go. You don’t have to be anything you don’t want to be.”

Bit by bit, her breathing evened out and her sobs grew quiet. Slowly he loosened his grip on her. Loathed as he was to let her go, he let her push off from his chest. His body protesting from the awkward position he was standing in. 

“Sorry,” she muttered, wiping her face with his rofjinn. Then realising what she had done, she chuckled. 

It was a simple sound but one so pure and sorely missed. 

* * *

Ryder felt better with Evfra’s arm around her shoulder. His warmth pressed against her. It anchored her, she didn’t feel quite as unmoored as she was before. She sat as close to him as the hospital bed allowed. Her fever still sent chills through her body but with him around she would be fine. 

She listened, in a better frame of mind that before. Depression. That’s what Lexi said. 

“But I am just tired, that’s because of the injury. And I am not sad, I am not crying all the time,” Ryder pointed out, frowing. “Well except just now but-“

Words failed her as Evfra rubbed her arm. “There is no shame. You will get through this. We will help you,” he rumbled. 

Post-traumatic brain injury depression, along with sleeping issues, irritability and headaches. This was the concussion that just kept on giving. There was no end of unwanted gifts that kept her off balance and constantly reeling. And they were adding urinary tract infection, it was the icing on the cake. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t catch this sooner,” Lexi said, her eyes downcast. “This is my one job and I failed at it.”

“No, Lexi, you saved my life. Without you, I’d be dead before I got back to Aya. Thank you.”

Evfra shifted, ignoring the amused looks shot his way by Jaal. “Thank you, Dr. T’Perro. You can’t imagine how grateful I am.”

Lexi smiled. “You two, be good to each other.”

She and Jaal swept out with promises of medication and counselling sessions. That left Ryder alone with Evfra. 

“So,” she started, tugging her hood tighter against her head again. 

“So?” he replied smoothly, pulling her hand away gently. 

“What is this about a special girl?”

Evfra didn’t reply instead he pushed her hood away. She hissed but made no move to do anything. Ryder shifted so that she faced him. The chair creaked as he stood up. 

“May I?” he asked gently. 

“You know it makes me very nervous when you are polite.”

Evfra snorted. “I just want to see.”

She stiffened. “No, it’s ugly. It’s horrible. There is nothing to see.”

He reached out to cup her chin, one finger brushing against the new scars on her face. She squeezed her eyes shut. “They are not ugly or horrible. They are a part of you. And I love every part of you, my special girl.”

Ryder shivered. 

“Cold?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry I ruined your rofjinn.”

Evfra grimaced. “Don’t worry, snot can be washed out.”

“Aww come on, way to cheer up a girl,” she laughed. 

His finger brushed her face again. “Do they hurt?”

“Just a touch sensitive.”

“May I?” he asked again, his ice blue eyes soft and warm. 

Ryder took a shuddering breath. She shouldn’t give her scars so much power over her, but seeing a different face in the mirror made it hard. _Those voices are just the depression talking. They are not true. What’s true is before my eyes._

She nodded and closed her eyes. Evfra rotated her head. He didn’t speak and she didn’t want to see the horror on his face. She had seen enough in her own. A gentle buzzing hand skirted around the scar, running through the short stubble of hair that was starting to grow. She trembled. His hand was instantly snatched away as if she had burnt him. 

_Yeah, it is fucking ugly all right._

Evfra took hold of her hand and put it on his own face. Her eyes flew open, confused. Pink lines ran from his forehead to chin, they stood out against his blue skin. He leaned his face into her hand as she realised what he was doing. Her fingers hesitated. 

“It’s ok.” 

Slowly, she ran her finger over _his_ scars. Long and straight, over the dome of his head, down to his eye. It continued just under his eye down through his mouth to his chin. 

“Yours are no different from mine. Are mine ugly?” he asked, his voice hushed. 

“No!” 

He smiled. “Then yours are not either,” he said, his palm pressed against her scar. 

The contact was warm and it eased her headache slightly. Ryder’s breath hitched. “Hey, hey,” he cooed. “I’m not lying. Just like mine are a part of me, so are yours.”

His finger traced the C that ran along the curve of her skull. Her breathing grew ragged, her hand found his and tightened around it as of clinging onto a life raft. 

“They are marks of your survival, your strength, your heroism.”

“But you said-“

“I was wrong and I didn’t get to clarify. The Nexus don’t deserve you. And after this whole thing, I think they never appreciated what you do for them.”

“You’re not just saying this to make me feel better right?” Ryder searched his eyes for any flicker of doubt. There was none. There was only resolute earnestness. 

“I don’t lie, Ryder.” He cleared his throat. “I am always brutally honest, maybe too much but I don’t lie, Skye.”

Evfra bent over, pressing a hand onto the bed, lips seeking hers. He hovered there, giving her space to refuse but she turned her head upwards. Lips pressing, tongues curling as she tasted his words. 

“Skye Ryder, you are my special girl.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter and we're done!


	9. Irreplaceable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok this is the last chapter. Thank you everyone who has came along for the ride. Most of all, thank you to LylypuceOnArchive for the support she has given me and my works!
> 
> I hope I've managed to handle depression respectfully. Do let me know if there are any issues.

Ryder looked at the mirror. The scar on her head was mostly covered by hair now. She brushed her fingers across it, feeling the raised skin. The four lines across her face had faded some, looking a little less red, a little less angry. 

She sighed and nodded to her reflection. Her eyes checking her fringe one more time. Her fingers teasing it higher, straighter before washing her hands clean of hair product. She tossed it into her bag. 

“Ready?” Evfra asked. 

“Give me a second,” she said as she popped a couple of pills into her mouth and washed it down with a gulp of water. 

Ryder secured her medication in her bag. Lexi had prescribed them. Though it took a while to find the right combination, she didn’t have to weather it alone. Evfra made sure he was there every step of the way. His presence made everything bearable. 

“Got everything?” he asked. 

She nodded, flexing her left arm, a silver line ran from elbow to wrist. It felt almost as good as before. Lexi had reminded her she still needed physical therapy, but that could be taken care on board the Tempest. 

It wasn’t all medication that helped. With the Moshae’s help, they found an angara therapist for her. At first, Ryder was embarrassed, maybe a little in denial about her condition. She wasn’t altogether convinced that she was depressed but she just hated how she felt. The therapist dealt with angaras who returned with wounds seen and unseen and Ryder was far from the first soldier he had seen. Bit by bit, she opened up. And eventually when the floodgates opened, the deluge of confessions made her realised how much she needed this. All her fears, apprehensions and insecurities were slowly but surely purged. And it felt her lighter and emptier but in a good way. 

“Come on. The others are waiting,” Evfra said as he picked up her bag. 

Her eyes narrowed at him. “I’m not an invalid as I’ve proven to you many times last night.”

Evfra chuckled, his scars tugging at his face. “That you did. And you kept me up all night.”

Ryder laughed. “I’ll never look at a hospital bed the same again.”

She took her bag from him and hoisted it over her shoulder. 

The voices of doubt and guilt were still there but they were beaten back by other voices. Voices of affirmation, voices of support, voices of assurances from Evfra, Jaal, Lexi and the rest of the crew when they learnt what had happened. It helped. Ryder felt less tired, and she started chaffing. Staying indoors turned unbearable and boring. 

As Ryder stepped out, she smiled and thanked the nurses and doctors for all the care she had received. Eventually she made her way out to the markets. Evfra walked next to her, his hand in hers, not a secret but not a declaration either. Ryder glanced at him, a smile was sitting on his lips. 

“I’ve never see you so consistently happy before,” she remarked. “Are you that glad to see the back of me?”

As she expected the frown was instantly back. She chuckled. It was so easy to push his buttons. “Lighten up a little, it’s a joke. You can tell the difference I hope.”

Evfra mock growled in her direction and she just laughed harder. 

His daily visits made the single biggest difference for her. Sometimes he would just sit and work, other times she would prod him for information and he would relent. Most of the time he burst in and he was seething from yet another meeting with Tann. And she just listened. 

She had no idea how he smoothed things over with the Nexus Leadership after her outburst. “Don’t worry. Your outburst helped more than it hurt. I have no idea how you do it,” he assured. 

Ryder stared at him skeptically. He frowned, shot her a stern look. “Trust me.”

“It is always suspicious when someone tells you that. Trust me. Really? When it comes to matters regarding Tann or the Leadership, I find that very hard.”

But as long as he was still grumbling about the talks, it meant that the alliance still stood. And whatever the dumpster fire of a situation it had become at least there was one to come back to. 

After her infection went away, she met Evfra for lunches outside. It allowed her to return to normalcy while she made sure he had regular meals. And she realised, he made sure their skin came in contact in some way. Though it was the simple act of a touch, it was suddenly so electrifying and dangerous. Casual brushing of hair away from her face, running his fingers through the bristles of her hair, sometimes just holding her hand. All innocent but Ryder appreciated them. He taught her how to love her new face, her new scars again through his constant physical declaration. 

Ryder knew, this was a work in progress. It was a constant maintenance of her health both mental and physical but she had to work to keep herself physically fit why shouldn’t she need to do the same for her mind? It was a road well worn by many others who came by their issues differently but she was lucky. She wasn’t walking it without support. And she had more than most. For that, Ryder was thankful. 

Evfra stopped. The Tempest was in sight. Cora was there co-ordinating resupply while Liam and Drack were helping with the loading. Peebee supervised as usual, not lifting a finger to help. Vetra was nearby, haggling with the merchant while Jaal watched on amused. Kallo and Gil were nowhere to be seen but were probably busy inside the Tempest getting ready for take off. Lexi was the only one waiting for her. Ryder waved as she approached. She nodded and turned her back towards Ryder, giving her privacy to say her goodbye. 

“Hey, so this is it.”

Evfra snorted. “It is not. This is merely a temporary farewell.”

She chuckled. “You’re right. So now I’m off to kill the Archon. I’ll be back soon to sweep my princess off her feet.”

His eyes narrowed at her. “I am this princess you speak of?”

“Yes, I am the hero that slays the dragon, in this case the Archon, and romance you, the princess. Then we’ll live happily ever after.”

He snorted derisively. “I am the hero that-“ He bent and gave her a peck on her forehead, “gave the princess a good luck kiss so that she can go kick some kett asses. And then hurry back to me.”

“Now that you put it that way…” Ryder laughed, looping her arms around his neck and pulling him down. “How about one more for the road?”

Evfra smiled and obliged. As he deepened the kiss, his hands threaded through her hair, Ryder could hear the others whistling and catcalling. She flipped them all the bird without relinquishing Evfra’s lips. “Ignore them,” she said. 

“Woman, you will be the death of me,” he muttered into her mouth. 

“Cause I am irreplaceable,” she whispered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you have enjoyed this story!

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated. xD


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